and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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