You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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