I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
