You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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