I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
