oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
