What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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