Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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