im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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