Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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