i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
