he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
