Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
