I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize