You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
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Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
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They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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