Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
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My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
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I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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