On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
