He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
