I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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