Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
