Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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