I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
