Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
