Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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