How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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