I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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