so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
