wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
