so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize