Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
