he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
