escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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