he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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