eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
