I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
