Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
