I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
