don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
