Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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