Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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