I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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