I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
