I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
