can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
