It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
