Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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