Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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