I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
