My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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