Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
