The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
