I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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