Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
