Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
