The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
