Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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