Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it was like his penis was on wheels.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize