Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My cat gives me a boner
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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